Since this is a support and advice column, here are a few ideas. Remember what you’ve paid for them, and take them for what they are worth.

As with any of the people who come here, the biggest piece of advice we can give is a newcomer to this roller coaster ride is to document, document, and document. Word of mouth, memories or hearsay are valueless in a court of law. You may as well admit that sooner or later that is where you are going to wind up, so begin as you mean to go on! Diaries are great, as they create a picture of the things that happen before and after the event. Everything should have a date and time, and pictures of damages, bruises, or actions should always be taken and kept in a spot protected from contamination. Digital cameras are wonderful, and dates can be imprinted on the picture. To the best of your ability, keep emotion out and tell the facts. Chronologically if possible. Get in the habit and stay in the habit. If nothing else, the things you will write will create a picture of a child’s life that he may want to look at later. See Lisa for a much more detailed help.

Never bad-mouth the other parties in any given battle. It will be a real temptation to fall to their level, but don’t do it. The contrast between the courtesy and well-mannered behavior on your part, and the complete lack thereof on their part will make your points that much more obvious. When they have to manufacture evidence about you, it is obvious to the judicial, and they have to work that much harder. While they are scrambling for evidence and lies, you are preparing for battle in a clearheaded and relaxed manner that rattles them even more and weakens their case because you have been thorough and prepared. Besides that, you may have to eat your words at some point, and negative words are really difficult to swallow.

Don’t let yourself be used by the system. The governmental body in charge of overseeing the health and welfare of the children, the DFS, CPS, DFCS, or whatever acronym they go by in your state are so overworked and underpaid that they will let you do their job for them. They have a great many services at their fingertips and have knowledge of many more. Even if your case is not involved with them, don’t be afraid to call and ask questions. If you don’t like the answers or they are incomplete, go up a level and keep pushing for answers. My father used to tell us that the squeaky wheel is the one that gets the grease, and that is so very true in the case government entities. Don’t accept the first answer they give you as being the Gospel, and don’t forget that there are other places you can look for help. Schools have or are able to access many services. In addition, the teachers and aides are great sources of information about your child. And certainly not as a last resort, access the info on the web. It is a great place to start.

Come with us across the Bridge of Enough and stop enabling or allowing your children (the malfunctioning ones) to use you. Their behavior will certainly never change as long as you condone it, either by direct actions, or by simply inaction. The more they use you to get what they want, the less pain it causes them, and the easier it becomes to continue down the path of their present behavior. The longer this goes on, the more you resent it, and the more the anger irritations and hostility will escalate. You can’t control their behaviors. These children be they 16 or 26 haven’t allowed you to dictate their behavior for a long time, and they aren’t apt to start in the near future. So quit trying. Their actions, their consequences. On your part, don’t allow them to use your love, pity, fear, or guilt for or about them to control your actions. Allowing them to use you in this way is like letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head. You are the landlord; don’t let them into your head. If they are already there, make them pay rent and don’t forget to give them a receipt.

YOU don’t have to stop caring for those children whom you have raised and loved and dreamed for. But you must stop letting them use the love, the time and the dreams to get out of you more than you are willing to or can afford to give. Some practical suggestions. Don’t let them make you feel guilty about how hungry they are, or how they have nothing to wear for job interviews. If they really and truly need food, never give them money which could and probably would be used for other things, take them out to lunch or buy them a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter. Neither is readily pawned, and there isn’t much call for either on the black market. If they have nothing to wear, it isn’t your responsibility. If you simply can’t walk away, for whatever reason, offer them some of your castoffs. That has a bonus to it in that you really are getting something positive from it-----a clean closet. If there is a radical difference in size, take them shopping at a Good Will or St. Vincent De Paul Store. Never make it something that they can either hold over your head, or that you will feel angry about when it gets left at some flop house or discarded an a street corner somewhere.

If they have no transportation to the next town or job, buy them a non-refundable bus ticket. If they have no place to live, don’t let them come back home with you. You don’t need it, and the wee ones don’t either. Offer to pay for a day or week or a month in the cheapest motel you can find. Make it clear that this is a one time thing and if they don’t like it the alternative is nothing. Ask them what they want to do, and then offer them your best wishes on achieving that goal, or sympathies when it fails, but never help them achieve it or argue whether it is achievable. Allow them to own the successes and the failures, they aren’t your success or failures, and anyone who thinks they reflect on you must be from the town of Perfect, around the corner from Walgreen Drug. They certainly haven’t had any kids of their own.

Taking care of the grandchildren is what it is all about. These small and defenseless children are the future of our planet, and have the right to succeed or fail just as their parents were offered the same chances. It is our job to give to them the tools to make the choices. We have the responsibility to make this a safe world while they are learning those tools and to protect them from anything that would harm them. We can’t guarantee that they will make the world better, just as no one guaranteed that their parents would improve on theirs, but we must make it possible for them to try.

Take care of yourself. You aren’t a super hero, and you aren’t the energizer bunny. Your batteries will run down, guaranteed. With that in mind, take care of yourself. Allow bad days, and puddles of self-sympathy. Just don’t wallow in them. Recharge with kidless walks in the sunshine. Take time once a week for coffee with friends. Always remember the other half of your soul, the one who is suffering with you. Capture a meal or a night alone with him, and don’t talk of the home front while there. If he refuses that, take him fishing; leave the cell phone home, and the fish hooks. Be sure to throw the hook-less lines in the water and then forget them. It will appear to the chance passer-by that you are fishing for fish. Only you and your “fishing partner” know what you are really fishing for.

Nor are you Betty Crocker. In spite of what you think, dust bunnies don’t breed, and dirty socks don’t become toxic. The Leaning Tower of Bills has never toppled and killed, and more than one car payment has been late. No child in history has contracted leprosy because their sheets weren’t clean and their beds weren’t made. While it isn’t French Cuisine, cold cereal in milk will satisfy the empty place in the child’s stomach, and the conversation you have time to hold with him will satisfy the empty hole in his being. When things feel like they are spinning out of control in spite of all your best efforts, make sure no one is looking, take a favorite book of poetry and head for the bathroom. Turn the water on full blast so you can’t hear them calling and relax for at lest fifteen minutes. Before you close the door, kick all of the dirty towels outside the bathroom so you won’t be tempted to keep on keeping on and lose your self for a while.

Keep your eyes on the prize. The children are worth everything we have to do for them, but we can’t do it if we have neglected the details.