Grands Indentification
by Nancy (Gonnee)

Those of us who belong to this secret society called G.R.A.N.D.S can usually identify each other at a quick glance. It has, I think something to do with the lines around the mouth, the sleepless look in the eyes, and the package of wet wipes clutched compulsively under our arms. There are, however, people not in the know who should know what we look like and where we hang out. This group includes recalcitrant politicians who stubbornly refuse to acknowledge that we exist. It also includes a few judges (mostly east of the Mississippi River) who seem to think we are a novelty item placed on this earth to entertain them and give DFS people something to do. In a separate group, less deserving perhaps, but certainly more needy, are a limited number of bios and their attorneys. They don’t deserve the information, but if they were better able to identify us, they might be better able to avoid us and therefore stay out of the way of our wrath. It would be better for their health and some of us could stay out of jail and take better care of their children.

To those ends then, please read, memorize and use the following clues:

A Grand is well past the forty-something birthday candles, either in reality or in life experiences.

In a car lot, a Grand will be seen driving in a smart canary yellow convertible sports coupe with wire rims, white leather bucket seats, and four on the floor. It will have fuzzy dice on the mirror, ONLY two seats, side by side and clean windows that roll up and down at the touch of a button.

That same Grand will be seen driving out of the same car lot in a mini-van with an automatic on the column, a speedometer that only reaches 80, a Kleenex dispenser in the dash, seven seats minimum, two of which are child care seats, and a uniform gray carpet on the seats, floors, walls, ceilings and dashboards. Newer vehicles (for the most recent additions to this group) will have DVD players with separate screens for each seat, and a controller permanently mounted in the front seat. Under the driver’s seat of the minivan is a permanent supply of diaper wipes, hermetically sealed from prying little fingers.

Under no circumstances will a Grand’s car have electric window or doors. It will have fully functioning child safety latches, and they will be on at all times. Combination padlocks in Braille will accompany each child safety seat; this will prevent talented young fingers from undoing the harness at awkward times, but will enable the Grand to unlatch them by touch. This is especially helpful if the Grand left the house without their lineless trifocals, or in case their view is blocked by the contents of the other child seat. The minivan will not have a single clean window, and the windows on the rear passenger’s seats will be plastered with yellow, red, and blue stickers from the local grocery warehouse. There will be a multitude of the yellow smiley stickers wearing red cowboy hats…the kind from the local department store. The kindly front door greeters just can’t help but give the small children who accompany Grands at least half a roll of those silly looking creatures.

Standing behind the Grand minivan rolling out of the lot will be a used car salesman who has just been bested and knows he has been. That used car salesman will have the little yellow sports car completely and thoroughly detailed, as he can’t figure out why anyone would want to make that kind of a swap.

He has a stunned look on his face because he still can’t figure out how it happened. It is okay though; Grands are a breed apart and drive a mean bargain. There is no disgrace in being bested by a grand.

A Grand is the “well-aged” person who can move with the speed of a greyhound, the agility of a gazelle, and the accuracy of a sharpshooter’s bullet. Always of course, with a diaper bag in one hand and a cane in the other. The elder statesmen of the group will use the cane to support their arthritic limbs instead of as a catching hook. The added disability does not slow down their reaction time.

If a Grand has hair, it is strictly utilitarian in style, having neither the time nor the money to do much else with it. The most daring Grands can occasionally be seen taking scissors either to their own hair or to that of their charges. It isn’t hard to tell a child who lives with a grand with this propensity. They will be the ones with the shortest haircuts, or caps on their heads at all times.

A Grand has eyes in the back of their head. Their hearing aids are tuned to pick up a whisper from across the room. They believe very little from the mouths of babes and are extremely suspicious of silence in the vicinity of their charges. Their sensitive noses are attuned to suspicious odors and can tell at a sniff which little darling is the guilty party.

A Grand may be found at nearly any event involving youngsters, but they are especially dangerous at gymnastics events or wrestling tournaments. They are the ones who take the longest to emerge from their pretzel-like postures in the bleachers.

In the courtroom, a Grand may be identified by the steely-eyed look of determination in their eyes. Dressed in their best bib and tucker, they are usually two seasons out of style, as that is usually how long they have been at the legal process involving their grandchildren. They have a sheaf of papers in their hands, but are taking copious notes with a red crayon with a broken tip. A Grand is usually very knowledgeable about the legal procedures, as they have been through the process more than once and are not afraid to fight for what they think is right. It is interesting to note that judges do not often find it necessary to interview a Grand more than once.